Have you ever felt that no one is listening, no one is understanding you? Am I not explaining myself correctly? I don’t fully understand how and what I am feeling so how should someone else?
These are thoughts I have had and still have to this day. I have worked in emergency services for over 25 years in an emergency centre. This was a position I was good at, I could multi-task and handle several stressful situations all at once, I was always calm and professional. Through many years of working in this environment, I started to feel things, doubting myself more, felt my skills were diminishing and worst of all came the fear of going to work “what if I kill someone today?”. This kept building and building inside over the years and it was brought to the attention of supervisors many times, but because of who I am and always desperately trying to be a perfectionist, they boiled it down to my own negative thoughts and self sabotage. In this environment you were paid & expected to do this work, that is why we were there; basically “suck it up” and get to the next emergency call/situation.
I kept trying to advise supervisors at work something is wrong, I truly felt there was a problem; I just didn’t know what. You are fine I was told, you haven’t made any errors, your work is very good so return back to your position and continue. They were not truly listening, the truth though was they didn’t understand that this was a greater issue; a mental health issue.
One day I took a call that ended my career in emergency services, it was enough to basically send me over the top. The non stop crying, shaking, fears; what was happening to me. This was the day when my life turned upside down.
The Stigma and Living with PTSD 